Lost Wife !!!!!

A man went to police station for filing report for his missing wife:
Man: I lost my wife (misty)

Inspector: What is her height
Man: I never noticed

Complete or Finished

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.

The Man Who Controlled her Wife

God comes and says :-

"I want the men to form two queues, one queue for men who had control over their women and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women.

Which car are you driving?

Michael, Francis and Ubaldo are standing at the Gates of Heaven being
interviewed by St. Peter.

"Ok you, Michael, how many times did you cheat on your wife??"
"Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three
different women a year all my married life".
"Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye."

St. Peter turns to Francis, "How many times did you cheat on yourwife??"

Men will be men

Husband texts to wife on cell."Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!
_______________________________________________________________________
An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone: "Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop
_________________________________________________________________________
An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"
_______________________________________________________________________
Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels, Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.

On the way home..

Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive

Doctor's Advise

A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.
"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away." 
"You have come to the right place.  This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this  mantra: "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache".  Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."

As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator.  Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache..."

She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone.

Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.

"Doctor, you are a genius!  Can I please send you my husband?  He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it... "
"When was the last time you two had sex?"
"About eight years ago."
"Send him over."

A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor.

He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making love to her, wildly. When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.

At this point the wife has become unbearably curious.  She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:

"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife......"

Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

Problem in System and Solution by Tech Support Department Software

Engineer writes .............

Subject : Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system Initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance Drunk'n'Naked 2.0 and Bachlor Party 7.77. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error "General Protection Fault in module House Security. The Uninstallation will abort."

Can you help me, please!!!

Reply from Tech. Support Dear Software Engineer,

Ref : Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support" which was given to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. 

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE. Infact I would suggest u to use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5 which will improve the performance of Wife 1.0. 

WARNING : Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. 

Best of luck.

Tech Support.

Different Types of Woman

Different types Of Women

______________________

HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off. 

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL Woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful. 

CD-ROM Woman:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything. 

Wife & Whisky

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved her?"

"Oh, No, who the hell wants to love her," said the drunk. "I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee. He appears to 

be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" 

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 15?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, " Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly. 

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have been out of jail today and a free man !" 

North Indian Girl Vs South Indian girl

North Indian Girl Vs South Indian Girl

******WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A North Indian GIRL as WIFE*********** 

1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age. 
2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.

3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry. 

4. The only! dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic 
cholestrol or chronic gas disorder. 
5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill. 
6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair. 
7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself. 
8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her. 9. She always thought that ! Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you. 10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to "walk out" 11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.

******WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as WIFE*********** 

1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras / Anna University . 2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..." 
3. She shudders if you use four letter words. 4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.) 
5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative. 

6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower. 
7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra) 
8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the Dog or for herself. 
9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras eat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet. 10. She thinks Mohan Lal is the sexiest man alive. 

11. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth. 12. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation') 13. She bursts into songs with her cousins in every movie. 
14. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based  on. 
15. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of  it .. 
16. Her thali (Mangal Sutra) weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers. 
17. She is more educated than you. 
18. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you.. 

What the hell is wrong???

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."