Daughter-In-law vs Mother-in-law

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. His wife's tissue type was a match so she offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

The Secret To a Happy Married Life

Once I was asked by my friend, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

I said-"You should share responsibilities with due love and respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

He asked-"Can you explain?"

I said-"In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, the friend asked me-"Give me some examples".

I said-"Smaller issues like,
Which car we should buy,
How much amount to save,
When to visit the super market,
When to go on vacation,
Which sofa,
Air conditioner,
Refrigerator,
Monthly expenses,
Whether to keep a maid or not etc.
Are all decided by my wife.
I just agree to it "

He asked-"Then, what is your role?"

I said-"My decisions are only for very big issues.
Like whether America should attack Iran,
Whether Britain should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe,
Whether to widen the Sri Lankan economy,
Whether Sachin tendulakar should retire from cricket etc., etc. and
Do you know, my wife, NEVER, objects to any of these decisions".

Lost Wife !!!!!

A man went to police station for filing report for his missing wife:
Man: I lost my wife (misty)

Inspector: What is her height
Man: I never noticed

Thoughts from Man's heart

Thought 1

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.  
What do women want to be liberated from?  

Husbands on Sale

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

The Man Who Controlled her Wife

God comes and says :-

"I want the men to form two queues, one queue for men who had control over their women and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women.

Software Engineer and his wife

Software engineer and his wife ..
Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Huband and Wife's SQL Query

Ever thought if Husband and wife had to write their wishes in a query how would they do it.
I had received this sometime back and it gives an SQL kind of fun to the husband wife jokes.

Cat catching

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Which car are you driving?

Michael, Francis and Ubaldo are standing at the Gates of Heaven being
interviewed by St. Peter.

"Ok you, Michael, how many times did you cheat on your wife??"
"Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three
different women a year all my married life".
"Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye."

St. Peter turns to Francis, "How many times did you cheat on yourwife??"

Wife & Whisky

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved her?"

"Oh, No, who the hell wants to love her," said the drunk. "I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee. He appears to 

be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" 

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 15?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, " Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly. 

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have been out of jail today and a free man !" 

What the hell is wrong???

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."