Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts
Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts

Friday, August 24, 2012

Which car are you driving?

Michael, Francis and Ubaldo are standing at the Gates of Heaven being
interviewed by St. Peter.

"Ok you, Michael, how many times did you cheat on your wife??"
"Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three
different women a year all my married life".
"Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye."

St. Peter turns to Francis, "How many times did you cheat on your
wife??"

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Men will be men


Husband texts to wife on cell."Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!
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An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone: "Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop
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An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"
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Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels, Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.

On the way home..

Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive

Monday, August 20, 2012

Doctor's Advise


A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.
"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away." 
"You have come to the right place.  This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this  mantra: "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache".  Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."

As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator.  Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache..."

She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone.

Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.

"Doctor, you are a genius!  Can I please send you my husband?  He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it... "
"When was the last time you two had sex?"
"About eight years ago."
"Send him over."

A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor.

He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making love to her, wildly. When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.

At this point the wife has become unbearably curious.  She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:

"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife......"



Saturday, August 18, 2012

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee. He appears to 
be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.



"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" 

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 15?" he asks solemnly.


"Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.


"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, " Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly. 

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have been out of jail today and a free man !" 

Friday, August 17, 2012

What the hell is wrong???

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."