Complete or Finished

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.

Husbands on Sale

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

Joke of the Day - 29th Aug. 2012 - Mobile

Girl: hi baby :*
Boy: hii sweet heart...(sending failed) 

Girl: Are you there?? :(
Boy: yes yes..I'm here...(sending failed) 

Girl: are you ignoring me or what?? :X

Boy: honey I'm not..i m right here..(sending failed) 

Girl: Its over..
don't you ever talk to me again !! :@

Boy: Damn ! go to hell.. :@ (message send) :O :O :P

The Man Who Controlled her Wife

God comes and says :-

"I want the men to form two queues, one queue for men who had control over their women and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women.

IT Consultant

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" 

One Liners !!!!!!

[1]         Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. 
[2]         Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. 
[3]         Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! 

Alphabets for the next generation

The next Generation kids will learn alphabets this way ....

Over reaction

In a factory A man standing on the floor and looking aimlessly. CEO of that factory came and asked his salary. Man replied 5000 sir...... CEO gave 15000 immediately and told him "I pay people here to work and not to waste time. This is ur 3 months salary. Now get out of here. Never come back". That guy left. Then CEO asked workers "who was that guy?" 

Can somebody answer, please?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder...... .

Shit vs Nuclear Power

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

Catch 22

In a small town, a person decided to open up his Bar business, which was right opposite to a Temple. The Temple & its congregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.

Indian Tourism Board

Indian Tourism Board 

Following are the actual questions from tourists and actual responses by the Indian tourism website officials, who undoubtedly have an excellent sense of humor.


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in India? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. In-di-a is that big triangle in the middle of the Pacific & Indian Ocean which does not.. oh forget it. ...... Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Goa.  Come naked.

HOW TO IDENTIFY DIFFERENT CITIES OF INDIA?

HOW TO IDENTIFY DIFFERENT CITIES OF INDIA?

Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right. You are in Kolkata

Software Engineer and his wife

Software engineer and his wife ..
Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Huband and Wife's SQL Query

Ever thought if Husband and wife had to write their wishes in a query how would they do it.
I had received this sometime back and it gives an SQL kind of fun to the husband wife jokes.

Working for the best firm

One day, three consultants, one from Wipro, one from Infosys and one from TCS, went out for a walk. They were old buddies from engg college, and they were together for a college reunion.. 

For no apparent reason, they went into this zoo and passed a monkey. Being in the same business and from the same college, there was a little bit of a peer competition going on between themselves - they couldn't resist testing themselves against each other - especially the Infosys guy. 

Banta quit drinking

Banta Singh walks into a bar in Ludhiana & orders three glasses of Beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn.When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. 

The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you bought one at atime."

Cat catching

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

A Software Engineer's Agony

I start my day by sitting on a chair,
giving my monitor a hard,cold stare,
       
By evening I'm done with another coding,
Oh! this has become a routine so boring.
       
Like all, i entered this field with great hope,
jobs were many and there was plenty of scope,
       
Dreams of joining the likes of Gates,
and a chance to make money in the states.
       
Thus, i entered the world of bytes,
only to realize that reality bites,
       
Coz a programmer's life, isn't all that cozy,
the bed of software, isn't all that rosy.
       
Seeing the monitor all day n night,
have taken the power of my eyesight,
       
Working holidays, busy weekends,
no time for family, no time for friends,
       
My job steals most of my time,
helplessly, i watch this crime.
       
just for few bits of money,
I forego those moments with my honey,
       
When i should be out - having fun,
I'm telling a comp, what's to be done.
       
I hate u, yet i cant get away,
coz, i need the money u pay,
       
God, to thee i pray,
if there be one - show me the way     

Which car are you driving?

Michael, Francis and Ubaldo are standing at the Gates of Heaven being
interviewed by St. Peter.

"Ok you, Michael, how many times did you cheat on your wife??"
"Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three
different women a year all my married life".
"Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye."

St. Peter turns to Francis, "How many times did you cheat on yourwife??"

Little Chintu

Little Chintu came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. 

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time totell his mother what he wanted. 

Mom, I want a Cycle for my birthday.

Little Chintu was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. 

Chintu's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a Cycle for his birthday.

Little Chintu, of course, thought he did.

Chintu's mother wanted Chintu to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

Go to your room, Chintu, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to Krishna and tell him why you deserve a Cycle for your birthday.

Little Chintu stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write Krishna a letter. 

Just For Laugh

Why do we sometimes write 'etc' at the end in the exam? because it means...

E-End of
T-thinking
C-capacity.
------------------------------­-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How to Create d Biggest Doubt in ur Wife's Mind 4 you?
Just Suddenly send her SMS Saying.. "I Luv u too"
GAME OVER.!
------------------------------­------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When do you know you are in love?
Ans. When you start searching for the cheapest mobile plan

------------------------------­------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 
Wht is the Difference between Young Age & Old Age?
Simple..
In Young Age  ----  Phone Is Full Of Darlings Numbers..
In Old Age   ---- Its Full of Doctors Numbers..!

------------------------------­------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 
"Why is Facebook such a hit?

Self Appraisal

A little boy went to a telephone booth which was at the cash counter of a store and dialed a number.

 The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

 Boy : "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?

 Woman : (at the other end of the phone line) "I already have someone to cut my lawn."

 Boy : "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price than the person who cuts your lawn now."

 Woman : I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.

 Boy : (with more perseverance) "Lady, I'll even sweep the floor and the stairs of your house for  free.

 Woman : No, thank you.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store Owner : "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."

Boy : "No thanks,

Store Owner : But you were really pleading for one.

Boy : No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!

One liners

1. A small boy opens the door and looks at his sister's boy friend and asks innocently "Every day you come to meet my sister , don't you have your own sister"

2. Santa went for an interview Bank manager: what is cyclone? 
   Santa:It is a smallest loan given by bank to buy a cycle.

3 . Pintu was having habbit of eating nails of his hand, His parents sent him to Ramdev Baba for treatment..... . . . Now Pintu can also eat nails of his legs..

4 . Teeth said 2 Tongue " If I just press u little hard, you will get cut.
Tongue replied: "If I misuse 1 word against some1, then all the 32 of u will come out at once"

Men will be men

Husband texts to wife on cell."Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!
_______________________________________________________________________
An Angry Wife To Her Husband 0n Phone: "Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn't Have Money That Time n I said "Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... "O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop
_________________________________________________________________________
An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..."Which Trip?"
_______________________________________________________________________
Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels, Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.

On the way home..

Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife:- .No chance for u to survive

Mother vs Mother-in-law

Mother vs Mother-in-law

Husband: Mom called me and said she is coming tomorrow. Her train will reach by morning 4'O Clock.

Wife: What!!! She came just 4 months back only, right?. Why is she coming now again..?. Tomorrow is sunday. I thought of getting up late but your mom had to come on a sunday itself and that too morning 4'O Clock. Where will she get an auto at that time?. I will not make any warm breakfast...she will have to do with biscuits and bread. The kids will also not go to play as she spoils them by getting chocolates, toffees and pastries for them. How many days is she going to stay..????

Husband: Not my mom, your mom is coming!!!!

Effort is Important

Effort is Important

There is little story...that teaches a lot…

A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert after another, However, none of them could figure but how to fix the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with him and When he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom. Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, Hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into His bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine fixed, a week later, the owners received A bill from the old man for ten thousand dollar "What?" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!" Therefore, they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE BREAK-UP WAS?

Out-Of-The-Office

Alternative Phrases For Your "Out-Of-The-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.

8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system.

9. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

10. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

11. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

12. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

13. I've run away to join a different circus.

14. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.'

Men Rules !!!!

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quest's to 
   see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
2. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive 
   than short hair. One of the big reasons guy's fear getting  
   married is that married women always cut their hair, and by 
   then one is stuck with her.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle 
   hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do 
   not work! Just say it!
6. We don't remember dates. Mark birthday's and anniversaries on 
   a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
7. Most guy's own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you 
   think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, 
   would look good with your dress?
8. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every 
   question.
9. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. 
   That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
11. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a 
    Doctor.
12. Check your oil! Please.
13. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
14. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We 
    refuse to answer.
15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of 
    the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
16. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want 
    it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, 
    just do it yourself.
17. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during 
    commercials.
18. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do 
    we.
19. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. 
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea 
    what 'Mauve' is.
20. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
21. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of 
    mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about 
    you.
22. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act 
    like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just 
    not worth the hassle.
23. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an 
    answer you don't want to hear.
24. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is 
    fine. Really.
25. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are 
    prepared to discuss such topics as the shotgun formation, or 
    monster trucks.
26. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
27. No you really do have too many clothes and shoes.
28. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
29. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
31. Thank you for reading this ; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on 
    the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind 
    that, it's like camping.

Mad Cow ????

A female TV reporter from a local Seattle Station was out in the boonies interviewing a farmer, attempting to find out some information on the Mad Cow problem.

"Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

The lady reporter, obviously embarrassed, replied, "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

"And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
"Sir, this is really valuable information, but that about getting to the point?"

"I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad too ?"

Women at various ages...

What's the difference between women at ages of  8, 18, 28, 38 and 48???

At 08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed
At 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to  bed
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed

Things to Ponder - Funny

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? (My Favorite - half cent :-)) )

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

and finally...


If a 911 dispatcher had a heart attack, whom does
he/she call?

Doctor's Advise

A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.
"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away." 
"You have come to the right place.  This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this  mantra: "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache".  Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."

As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator.  Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache..."

She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone.

Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.

"Doctor, you are a genius!  Can I please send you my husband?  He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it... "
"When was the last time you two had sex?"
"About eight years ago."
"Send him over."

A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor.

He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making love to her, wildly. When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.

At this point the wife has become unbearably curious.  She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:

"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife......"

C++ Females / Women

C++ Females

struct female_professionals
{
double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge;
char non_co-operative;
};

struct beautiful_city_girl
{
double boyfriends;
short affairs;
long stories;
void greymatter;
char flirt;
};

struct engaged_females
{
double time_on_phone;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding;
char edgy;
};

struct newly_married_females
{
double dinner_invitation;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_break;
void bank_balance;
char hen_pecked;
};

struct married_females
{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossip;
float hopes;
void word;
char unstable;
};

Get Nostalgic - Engineering Life

Here are some funny (and true) facts about the life of engineering students. You can decide for yourself if this is true or not, if you have led or are leading an engineering college life. This is also a chance for those who 'escaped' from there to get a little nostalgic... read on...

[A] Some Basic definitions.. 
Engineering College : Place where you're punished for getting good HSC marks.
Babe : Girls studying in other colleges...for mech guys, anything female.
Senior : Guy who got ragged as junior and wanna get some payback.
Fresher : Guy who has to ask where the canteen is.
Really Dumb Fresher : Guy who asks a senior where the canteen is.
Really Really Dumb fresher : Guy who follows the senior to the canteen.
Ragging : The unfortunate fate of the previous idiot.
Evasive action : Watch the juniors when any seniors come nearby. (No one runs faster than a fresher. NO ONE.)
Lectures : Waste of time.. physical presence is a must...only meant for sleeping, completing assignments & 
                general everything
Tutions : What you take when you don't waste enough time....
Professor : Person paid to put students to sleep.
Lecturer : Unusual variant of previous individual who comes packaged with his own brand of English ("Now you 
               check me our journal." "You out get from class." "Are you Understand?" "Both of you two come here",
               "Draw a square of any shape") 
Practicals/Lab Work : 60 to 120 minutes in which you watch the girls do your experiment, and usually destroy a
                                 considerable array of lab equipment. 
Hopeless Practical : The practical in which there are no girls in your group (simply look blankly at each other, 
                               fiddle with the equipment, and finally copy the readings. from the girls of course...or from 
                               guyz who get it from gals).

[B]. The Truth about exams.... 

Exams : A 3 hour long exercise to find out how fast you can write.
Timing : when ur non engineering GF/BF is free to enjoy while u slog with submissions & exams
Irony : The guy who copied your entire paper passes and you flunk.
Critical Calculation : Summing up the marks you attempted worth in the exam...
Arrear (Supplementary) : Makes you suicidal at first...but later becomes a way of life...
Year Drop : Makes dad homicidal.
Re-valuation: A cruel joke. (results of which come after you give the arrear exam).

[C]. An engineering student's 10 engg commandments of Life 

1. Thou shalt study only during the study leave.
2. Thou shalt treat all marks above 35 as bonus.
3. Thou shalt begin writing thy assignments journals/lab records only on the morning of submission, and only by
    copying.
4. Thou shalt spent as much money as possible and then borrow from girls
5. Thou shalt have at least 70 per cent attendance in the canteen, theaters,clubs,pubs,discos etc etc but not 
    necessarily in class
6. Thou shalt pass GRACEfully.
7. Thou shalt always be an OUTstanding student.
8. Thou shalt give thy attendance without being present.
9. If thou can't convince them, confuse them.
10. Thou shalt start every sentence with a four-lettered word.

Guys: Thou shalt treat and look upon all girls (esp. freshers) as your private property, and propose to as much 
          freshers as you can.
Girls: Thou shalt write all assignments and lab works promptly and timely so that guys can copy them from you.

[D]. The Years of Engineering 

F.E. Fond of Engineering
S.E. Sick of Engineering
T.E. Tired of Engineering 

Love Letter from HR Manager

Hi!  Ever wondered how a HR Manager could write a love  letter to his girlfriend ???

To,

Juliet

Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms Juliet,

                    I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October(Saturday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.Our love affairwould be on probation for a period of three months and depending oncompatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performanceappraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

                    The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

                   I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter,failing which, this offer would be  cancelled without further notice and Ishall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,
Romeo
HR Manager

Newton's Laws of Immigration

Newton's Laws of Immigration

1st Law

A Desi will continue to stay in the United States of America due to the inertia of the Green Card until and unless an external force called Deportation is applied.

2nd Law
The force of deportation is defined by F = ma.


Where m = Amount Of Money Desi earned/saved in USA.
a = dm/dt, the rate at which Desi saved money.

(This is contrary to the common belief that Desi will return back after making lot of money)

3rd Law

For each and every Desi that goes back to India for a temporary visit, a Desi of the opposite sex will come to USA on a permanent visit.

Top Six Reasons Why Computers Are Women

The Top Six Reasons Why Computers Are Women  

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to  
   everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why  
   I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck 
   on accessories for it. 

Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

Problem in System and Solution by Tech Support Department Software

Engineer writes .............

Subject : Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system Initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance Drunk'n'Naked 2.0 and Bachlor Party 7.77. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error "General Protection Fault in module House Security. The Uninstallation will abort."

Can you help me, please!!!

Reply from Tech. Support Dear Software Engineer,

Ref : Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support" which was given to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. 

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE. Infact I would suggest u to use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5 which will improve the performance of Wife 1.0. 

WARNING : Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. 

Best of luck.

Tech Support.

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

The following is an actual question given in a university chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.   Here is the "Bonus Question" on the exam:     Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?   Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:   First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.   So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.   Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.     This gives two possibilities:   1.. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2.. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.   So which is it?   If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa (a girlfriend of mine during my Freshman year) that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is Exothermic and has already frozen over.   The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."   THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."